how to let go?

agent C (i've 2 agents currently) called me at least 3 times and left 2 voice messages yesterday morning. i had to return her call only at 2ish cos i was at work. she must be frantic trying to catch hold of me; which is why she swayed to think that i was avoiding her, cooking up a i might be going back to singapore and so cant take up the offer story. i was feeling quite offended when i heard her voice message telling me (ended with a mocking laugh - so i thought) dont be afraid to turn down the offer (when she actually means stop avoiding me and pick up the fricking phone). she told me abt having to be transparent to her regarding the whole matter and asked if i'm rejecting her due to an offer elsewhere. hey, so she is implying that i cooked up a i'm leaving sydney story to turn down her job offer? why would anyone do that? thats kinda extreme isnt it? telling the truth is so much easier than having to come up with an excuse. besides, PP is a well-known recruitment agency in the healthcare/ pharma industry here and there is a high chance of me bumping into them (if i'm what she said to have accepted another offer elsewhere. i could easily bump into them. in north ryde where most pharma companies congregate) or them hearing news of me working where where.

after i hung up the phone with her, i sat down to write an email to her. though i was feeling rather pissed being misunderstood, i tried to sound as professional as i can. afterall, from a recruitment consultant's point of view, they must have heard lies ever so often. also, i wanna preserve my composure.

since my email, i havent heard from her. i dont know whats on her mind. perhaps she's waiting till friday to hear my decision though i've made myself clear in my email that i'm declining the offer. no point making company xxx wait when the outcome is probably gonna be i'm really going back. i'm leaving sydney. boohoohoo. and so, company xxx can start looking at another candidate.

and i have yet to speak to my other agent (agent C...shit...she's also C. lets call her agent CV) abt tis situation and offer 2 yet. i'm leaving the job to agent C to tell agent CV cos they're colleagues within the same office premise. :P but soon (within these few days or when our verdict comes on friday), i'll write out something to agent CV.

even though our verdict is what i'd expect, i'm still hoping we can stay (due to too many reasons). though other half's offers back home are very lucrative in terms of training, growth, paywise; more and more options are opening up here too, as if to make us stay. to complicate/ aid the decision making process, company xxx who offered me the job agent C is hooking me up to, might have something for me in singapore. yayy & argh.

i want to go touch every building. i want to go to every place we've been before. i want to bring back with me a container of air that kept me going all these years. i dont know if i'll finish it in one breath so i'll need a huge container of it to last me some time, to help me adjust to the newold environment. the closer we get to making the final decision, the more depressed i am, the more i struggled. i cant bear to leave tis place i called home (not australia or sydney per se but jus tis place, tis space). i cried a couple of times jus thinking of leaving tis place. its like knowing u're going to lose someone u hold close to your heart. the process to finally having the person leave u is tormenting. letting go is not an easy feat. so much action has been going on inside my pea brain (though i look like i've a big head... its my hair lah), its been working overtime more than it can handle. at home, at work. before i sleep, during my sleep, after i wake. the fuse in my brain might jus die on me. God bless me.